air.

air. i need air. suffocating inside & out.

will you understand? when i don’t … i just want it to go away. please, hold me close and make it go away =(

i don’t get it. jz’s happy. i’m happy. jz congrats me. my heart sinks. what happened?

like the hurt is finally starting to hurt now? n the second i sit back, i’m fine?

mebe i should just not dwell on it. smile it off. really, it means nothing. just kinda hurt for the moment. but this time i thought of honey bunny.

feeling guilty. don’t understand. just wants to believe, believe again n wipe my worries away. surely it’ll pass.

i feel better already. boy i love blogs.

i hate hw. goodbye.

smiling for another week

who doesn’t like waking up to a sweet, sweet email on a monday morning (even though i don’t have to get up early but still) & a picture?

teehee. i cannot describe the feeling after i read the email. it was like a “look-up-into-space-n-savor-the-moment” kinda smile/daze (:

he makes my day. n he belongs to me. (:

smile of the week ~

can’t wait till this week is over… SPRING BREAK ! HERE I COME ! ! !  (:

it’s my little secret

“only takes a moment to see beauty” - as boob requested.

2am in the morning after our date, both laying in bed on the phone …
him: did today reassure you?
me: i’m not telling you ~
him: but i want to know
me: i’m gonna torture you for a bit, it’s gonna be “my little secret”

now a recap of our saturday date (:

this may be in the wrong order (esp for the stores part) but i’ll try.

well i had piano at 930 – 1030, got home around & popped in my contacts by 1045, we headed out shortly after. picked up yvonne, and were on our way to WEM.
got there, parked, went in. “want me to leave the jackets in the car?”

me: no it’s okay. (feeling not too warm at the time… but hesitant)
we make our way to the chinese new year extravaganza or well it’s called the “lunar new year extravaganza” … pay our way into the entrance, but he drops his coins.
yvonne: gee vivian, you’re so embarrassing LOL . (LOL indeed, NOT MY FAULT!) teehee.

we head inside and catch what’s left of the awesome drumming performance ~ then browse around. run into a bunch of random ppl. he doesn’t see his dad. we think he’s stalking us. LOL.
finally we leave after people disappeared, we seem to just lose andi and yvonne and them just like that. “can we put our jackets in the car first?” *vivian whines* of course he says yes. & takes our jackets to the car. we go into H&M, and browse. i drop some shirt on the floor, about to pick it up, he picks it up.

omg vivian, you’re so cumbersome, i think to myself. “am i?” i asked. “no” he says. =]
we go to stores here and there, LaCoste, Urban, down that expensive stores, Coach (he likes bag shopping for girls (;  apparently there was nothing new since the last time he checked out Coach. lol ! ) sephora – smelling all their cologne and perfumes; aeropostale … me tries on the sleepwear sweater. where he had to hold my bag and all x) . i pay for it, they give me 84 cents back. LOL.

mmm anthropologie, holding that heavy book that we went through the whole thing of. a little hug there, a snuggle here. hehe (: mmm. holding me in his arms. like heaven.

walked half the mall, finally getting tired, n hungry. head over to bourbon street and had dinner at moxies. vivian gets her food to go. x) shopped a bit more, forever 21 was disappointing, check out movie times. “when in rome” or “dear john” . both have bad ratings. “when in rome” it is. (next time we go watch “dear john” (:  I LOVE CHICK FLICKS. n channing tatum <3 )

we head to fantasyland hotel exit and sit on the couches. i lean on him and he holds me close. i’m tired. totally just lay down and lay on his lap. (: a bunch of kiddies passing by. one hides behind me legs. loll xD the other screams “hair!”

me doing crunches to get up and see them -_- . went through the pictures on my digicam (yes we’ll go take pictures soon) ~ exhaustion. we lay there and talk. sleep. he almost fell asleep. loll. x) was that when u were leaning on me too. i was wondering if u were nodding off. but i couldn’t tell. LOL xD

movie was decent. i liked it.

dark, tired, cold, we head home. what a day what a day.
a gentle kiss on the forehead puts a smile on my face and warms up my heart. those arms around my waist, the hugs, make me feel love and protected. i gotta say, best part of the date was def just laying there. as if u took in my everything (: ~ too cool. too cool.

i’im exhausted though. gasp* it sounds like my macbook pro is making “those” sounds again. hopefully not.

man baby, do we both need more sleep ! loll x) can’t get enough of you ~

passing out…> <

“Life is like a cup of coffee ^_^”

["life is like a cup of coffee ^_^"  - because he said so n cuz he loves coffee; i say, "life is like a cup of tea" ~ teeeeeeheehee. ]

random excerpts from last night’s chat — all him

“why so huggable ?!” (my favorite ^^)

“well u hug back ^_^ and you smile , and i feel welcome, feel at home” (i asked, how so?)

“we’ll just have to let the warmth melt this barrier” (yes, let us.)

(asked what his plan for the rest of night was >>>) “computer on.. and study till i pass out — so keep me up” (he passes out, comes back, and then decides to go pass out! LOL)

“nah you’re not stinky, and if you think you do, i think it smells sexy” (i am not stinky FYI)

“i wish iwth all my heart, you will be with me some day” (awh ~ && someone needs spell check, lol )

recap of last few days:

so the intD class this week was actually a fun one! it was a waste of class time, but one of the tutor’s weren’t there, and it was definitely a good class. (:

one of our 5 activities, by far the easiest >>> 5 + 5 + 5 = 550 [add one straight line anywhere to the equation to make it true]

tuesday night was cram for paper night, was up until 3am reading lab and finishing the stupid nursing paper. > < which made waking up wednesday for lab, and functioning through the day with 3 hours of sleep a total drag. n i’m definitely still exhausted.

wednesday night was a fun and enjoyable night, him & i & andi & andrew went out to haweli (sp?) for dinner, digging in to the delicious food with our fingers, we stuffed ourselves to the max (sorry, no pictures), then, we hung out in andi & andrew’s basement, where andi insisted on us watching “the eye”, in which i closed my eyes shortly into the movie, because i knew i would be paranoid at night imagining the presence of these ghosts in my room > <

oiy. me & andi have such different tastes sometimes, she likes horror/spicy, i however do not. lol yet, we don’t let that drive us apart. she is my bff <3

woke up at 9am this morning, was wide awake, SHOULD’VE climbed out of bed then, but figured it was too early, put myself back to sleep … got up at 1140am, bad idea. i am more tired than i was at 9am. sigh*

took my sweet slow time doing nothing, while eating leftovers, some piano, and surfing the net.

it’s late now, but i believe it’s time to start hw.

nick from work readded me or something, last night, or unblocked me? well that’s nice. to have a friend again.. i don’t like having made friends n then losing them.

last thought,

i love it when you wrap your arms around my waist and hold me snug in your arms. <3 mmm…

study hard love !

sometimes, i wish i could do more for him, i want to make him happy too (:

t-minus 1 day !

O M G , t-minus 1 day till this paper is out of the way !!! no idea how excited i am. and when next week’s wed is done, i’ll be like (: !!!! tehehehehe. omg. i’m so catching up on sleep once … once … this is over. i’m exhausted ! goshums. n waking up with headaches, ain’t that awesome.

just gonna write a quicky post before i start tackling my paper. i’m already behind schedule. it’s like 920 am ! i was suppose to get up at 8am. . . yea. i know i woke up at 830 once, but just din’t get up. T_T too tired.

haha awh sorry b ~ totally passed out on you last night > < hahaha. din’t say night or nothing. just like POOF* sleeeeb. hahaa x)  though… i did think about trying to say “night” but i just .. was too tired to even turn towards my itouch n type it. lol -.- n i feel asleep before i could do it.

sigh* total exhaustion. boo =( even TVB is mean to me. won’t let me download my episode. so i can’t watch it. haha. it wants me to do my paper. sadly.

ok ok. i better get going. i feel like crap. why oh why. yes. lack of sleep is definitely not my thing nowadays.

oh my… don’t feel so well. i should go eat n stuff now. it’s 930 … that’s time ticking by.

*passes out*

don’t hate, appreciate ~ (honey lemon halls)

school’s sucha drag. the day was so rotten. headaches, stomach aches, what is this?! =( probably lack of sleep, dehydration, not eating well… all that .

the title… “don’t hate, appreciate” don’t u think so? hehehe. i dunno. i just liked it.

and honey lemon halls, total side thought, but he suggested it. (: our “first” gift that we shared. teehee.

mmm. my headache is on my right temple right now. it’s bothering me. i don’t want to write my paper. i feel very screwed for it. sigh =( 2 days till it’s due. guess who’s pulling all nighters the next two nights. =( boohoohoo.

SUCK IT UP, VIVIAN. T_T lol.

i forgot he had work this morning, oopsies, my bad. but that’s okay. i heard his voicemail. he sounded different. i could call it all the time and listen to it. XD hahaha.

“i found a guiar xD “

…. *vivian thinks* …. u mean “guitar” ? LOL hahaha.

omg. i’m too tired to post. but those were some of the perks in my day.

n we conversed … about bf/gf labelling, dates, roadtrips, asking “out”, parents x) , brother, … oiy… tummy ache +(

ROAD TRIP ! there is one planning in progress… just a short 2 day-1 night trip to calgary, too bad andi works on the weekend, or else we may have been able to catch calgary’s CNY thing… or something. but yea, it’ll still be fun… just needa run it by my parents first …

needs to die first… needs to tackle her paper tomorrow. ugh

vivian’s version recap

the hwatt asian tea, delievered early this morning.
& his papery designs, with his ugly writing ^^
it says “SMILE !!!” …simply smile (:

morning tea delivery ~

(red one is a “caution: too hot : ) ” sign, n purple one says “smiles !!!” n then the paper one .. u can read it.. i believe )

BRR….! i’m gonna recap last night, vivian style ! but today is moving very slow for this paper slaying business, n i am very very drained, tired, but most of all feeling under the weather which is not fun at all. i hate it. no appetite to eat, food is tasteless. i even forgot to shower -_- (yuck, i know, but i’m going after i post)

so my quickie version of the story ~ or not so quickie -.- but more detailed ~

started with coffee @ second cup ~ talking, chilling like we always do. or recently always have. lol then, i had to go pick up jimmy & take him home to the temple, before i rejoined him at second cup. we sat until they closed, n the girl working was very nice. we left. “but i don’t wanna go home yet, i still wanna talk! ” whined me. (n the fact, i didn’t wanna go home to tackle my paper)

me: wanna talk in the car? or something?

him: sobey’s is open till 11. let’s go walk in there.

me: okay ^^ ; n so we walked, n went up & down each aisle, pointing out all the foods i liked n ones i din’t like. went down the pharmacy area, where he talked about pharm stuff ~ hmm… done walking at sobeys. headed out. … now what?

him: wal-mart is open 24/7 , we could go there.

me: (: seriously? we’re gonna go wal-mart ?

him: yea, who doesn’t go there at midnight?

me: hmmm, OKAY !

us thinking up excuses to tell my parents why i’m going out so late … but i got home, dropped off the car, they were asleep, grabbed my keys, told my brother, he requested food, so i said maybe.

left the house.

got to walmart listening to my awesome CD ~ “they’re closing in 4 minutes” a lady tells us. . oh … =/ he asked customer service, they don’t open 24/7 no more. hm. where do we go now?

drove around, ended up on 97street, then whyte ave, n eventually kinsmen parking lot (passed by a lot of shopper drug marts). took a walk to the LRT bridge. enjoyed the scenery of the river. so peaceful, n quiet. except for the train passing by, which was creepy.

heading back to the car. “i wanna push you into the snow ! xD” i said. “go for it” he answered. he chased me ! n i dodged ! sorta.. lol xD sucha kiddie fun moment. would’ve been perfect.

got in the car, shivering like crazy. blasting the heat. next destination: edmonton international airport. “seirously?” yes. on the way there, uh oh. feeling nauseous. why? … why now ? argh. *thought: maybe halls will make me feel a bit better*

me: i want halls. (: the honey kind.

him: *looks over*… okay. that was random.

me: ^^

him: hm. i’m sure we can find some at a gas station or something.

me: (: mhm.; lays there quietly n tries to feel better. he *pokes* my arm. hey, you’re so quiet !

me: =/ mhm.  we turn into a gas station, “can i stay in the car?”

him: yea. *goes in, comes out shortly* is the honey-lemon one alright?

me: yes ^^ ; he hands them to me shortly after. “want one?” i offered.

him: sure . *pops it into his hand*

n we’re off. still feeling sick. told him a little truthful bits n pieces. got to the airport…

me: i feel sick. *explained to him*

him: u wanna stay or ?

me: shrug. just wanted to close my eyes.  *he parked, we headed off into the airport looking for some gravol, stores were closed. * oh well, it’s okay.

we sat by the glass windows facing the airplanes. =/ *thought: i need to lay down comfortably badly, feel so crappy*

me: can i lean on your shoulder for a bit? *he repositions and moves closer, my head plops down on his shoulder immediately, mm perfect angle, i feel a lil better, closes my eyes*

him: is it appropriate to bring up the topic?

me: what topic, which one?

him: you know which one. you’re smiling.

-a peaceful silence- *he puts out his hand*

him: do u want to try ? *i don’t move, motionless, silence, closed my eyes n just leaned on him; he takes back his hand*

me: *selfish question* can we ? just for tonight?

him: what do u mean?

me: i don’t know about tomorrow, but just for today.

-silence for a moment- he reaches over n takes my hand in his, n holds it. the warmth n comfort, i feel nauseous, n then well, nauseous, n well. time to go. we left. he puts his arm around me. we talk about his height. i ask for a hug before we head outside.

we head home. . . n talk about our parents . . . n january 30th, 210am it is.. n this truck was littering paper, n then BALLOONS STARTED TO FLOAT INTO THE SKY ! ~ ~ ~ what a night ^^

of course. i got home. sick n tired already. TEEHEE. mmm …he walks me to the door, n tells me, “you’re beautiful”

so we start a little adventure, where it’s taking us, i’m still unsure. but perhaps, it’s time to believe again, n in all honesty, i am “testing the waters”. i know you understand. hoping & wishing. make me love again.

tonight, i shall eat more paper. n get some rest . ~

catching up with ej , and having a 3 way conversation with her and antony ~ teehee. boys cannot keep up. lol

~ oh baby baby baby boyyyy . “every steeep we take together, we just keep on getting better, so can i have this dance ?” ~ high school musical 3 ~

Mundane. Adventure. Romance.

January 30, 2010 2:10 AM.

How shall we begin… we shall begin on January 29 8:30 pm.

A printer to be fixed, a ride, a cup of coffee.

Green Tea Matcha Latte and a Caramel Corretto.

A conversation, a glance and look down. A guilty smile or two.

A call and a short friendly interruption.

And so we walked: Pomelo, Wheaties, KD, Mango Pineapple Cheese Cake, Contaminated Greens, the Deli guy. Hands in pockets we walked.

But the time. Time is short and needed more time. Who wants to write that paper any ways!? Who doesn’t want to shop at 12 in the morning. but 24/7 is no longer 24/7. !! WALMART. Disappointed but minor.

An adventure was called and so the story begins!! Without a direction or destination, we explored. Down 50th street, Westbound Yellowhead highway, South 97th street, Hikaru Utada: Stay Gold, West Bound Whyte Ave, North, and we finally landed in Kinsmen. The cool minty air we breathed to remind us we are alive. We traveled to the bridge and listen to the river. Quiet, peaceful, and enchanted. A glance, a smile, a sweet welcoming voice. The LRT passes by, the bridge rumbles. The cold winds reminds us we are human and we return once again to vehicle.

But if we had more time, if we had more time. so we headed south, Gateway Boulevard. Lemon Honey flavored Halls, a thank you. Oh stomach you!! why are you so silly? behave yourself!

Further South, we headed further south.  Peaceful understanding moment. A story was told, a story was listened to. Further south! Nisku, Leduc, Edmonton International Airport. But stomach just won’t behave. We sat and we chat, an old topic brought up again. “what are you thinking of”, “i think you know”, a smile. You wanted a shoulder to lean on, a hand to be held. “be mine, just for today” but i am yours everyday. A smile to look forward to, a reason to wake up in the morning, a home that is welcoming, a Raison d’être.

January 30, 2010 2:10 AM. I joined my hands with the hands of my dearest Vivian.

Tired from the adventure, we headed back towards the heart of the city. One hand on the steering wheel, the other secure in her hand. A car drove by and released three balloons as if celebrating with us: one red, one blue, and one yellow.

i promise to make you smile, keep you company, a shoulder to lean on, share the world with you, let you know this is the right decision and make you feel like you are a princess.

5 33AM January 30th, i will pass out from exhaustion but i will smile tonight and hopefully you do too

With the permission of Vivian, i leave this message.

Sincerely,

Antony Chan

this is gonna be one long “i dunno”

first of all, i’ve been just busy, or else lazy, or tired to post. but i’ll get back on it. i miss it.

i don’t know if there’s even words to describe how i feel. so lost. probably a little of everything.

seems like the established answer is “no”. n it’s not easy. never will it ever be. it hurts, for me or him, i don’t know… it just feels so “悶悶的” inside (how can something hurt when it’s not even there) this wasn’t suppose to turn out like this? it seems like things got complicated, probably because of my “no opinion”-ness. it was happy HAPPY … then “i dunno” got in the way, like it always does. i guess “timing”… is key. perhaps.

sometimes it’s so clear, other times, just a big blur. it’s like i’m living beside a puffy grey cloud right now, at least it’s soft, but at the same time… i’m trying to just live the clear blue sky & fly abouts wherever, whenever … n enjoy your company, cuz i do.

this girl, just wants to smile, it makes all her worries go away.

thanks andi, for listening to me change every second of the day, n still keep listening to me & putting up with my childish thoughts, you GMH. T_T.  (:    <<< lol totally mixed emotions right there. haha

“That’s what friends are for.” she says. no one can replace andi. ever. <3 GAH. tearing up cuz she’s THAT awesome. i’d cry 1 litre of tears for her, if i had to. x)

a paper needs to be slayed, so i will have time to think about this stuff again, which i admit, no matter how frustrating, i still don’t mind thinking about it. x) afterall, it’s the “life” part i love exploring… because the answers are only what you decide they are. n there is always more to learn… ALWAYS.

(teehee, i was reading GMH’s… simply amazing <3 ~ ) <<< brackets, brackets, brackets. lol

…hm… “don’t give up on me” … so much could come out of such a little phrase.

(listening to jerry yan’s album, loving his every song, very slow-paced to my liking.)

… give me hope…

親人 by 叮噹

loves this song, 親人 by 叮噹 , good good song. from autumn’s concerto. too tired to blog. lyrics posted below ~

別打開 禮物的緞帶
giving up opening the presents’ ribbon

最初充滿期待 最後都腐敗
that used to make me forward to
別打開 午夜的電臺
giving up the midnight’s radio
別讓情歌反覆再愚弄
never give in yourself to the love songs,again and again,foolishly

而愛 並沒有教給我生存
because love, has never taught me how to survive
只教我交易虛榮給天真
but as a deal of my vanity to the naive
可是愛 讓我們變成陌生人
and love has made us a stranger
卻變不了更高尚的靈魂
and not becoming a noble soul within us

不要吻我 只要抱著我
i just need your hug,not your kiss
不要愛我 做我的親人
i just need you to be my dearest,not loving me
把手借我 一天一分鐘
do lend me your hand,one minute a day
做我最親密的親人
be my dearest
不是誰的情人 誰的某某某
and not becoming my lover or someone’s

就算我 全身濕透透
even if i have soaked in the rain

我也不再被誰 牽著鼻子走
i will never going to allow anyone to lead me by the nose
如果我 還握住拳頭
and if i am still clenching my fist
可能我怕我的夢飛走
i might afraid my dreams will fly away

而愛 並不如你想的萬能
and love,is not everything
不能讓我們不再戰爭
it can not stop us from war

可是愛 連慈悲也沒多慈悲
and love,it will only be a pity
誰愛越深越容易被犧牲
for those that are deeply in love and being sacrifised

不要吻我 只要抱著我
i just need your hug,not your kiss
不要愛我 做我的親人
i just need you to be my dearest,not loving me
把手借我 一天一分鐘
do lend me your hand,one minute a day
讓我還敢做我的夢
so that i can dream
做我夢中偉大的微笑的英雄
as my hero with a smile